On Writing #11: Waiting to be ourselves again.
CONFESSION: IDEAS DON’T VISIT OFTEN THESE DAYS.
🥺
I’m halfway through the 12-week blogging challenge at MỞ. Every week has brought the same level of panic attacks. Writing had been so fun for me. Of course there were challenging periods. But now it feels like carrying a whining baby asking for attention in your arms — you want to ignore it, but you just can’t.
And I know where this creative block begins: An occupied mind.
I’m currently occupied with day-to-day tenuous tasks — what usually happens when you welcome a new family member, in this case, a cat. I’m about to be unemployed quite soon (after a while of being self-employed. Which means I’m about to stop employing myself). There will be financial burdens, and tough conversations with mom. Also, the world is suffering, and I can’t help but be a beaten-up soul looking infinitely into an empty space with so much helplessness.
An occupied mind is not a good habitat for ideas. It leaves no room for ideas to come in.
😳
The first person to spot this was chị Mai Hương. She asked: “Where’s all the passion for writing gone?”. To which I dismissed: “Wait what, how can you claim so?”. Being called out is so unsettling.
But now I admit it. I know writing is a challenging thing to do. But the challenge has always come with the joy. Now, joy has just left the group chat.
🆘
This whole freaking creative block thing has stirred quite a chaos in my life. Despite being a floaty person, I’d love to have a bit of order and certainty. So I frantically scanned over pages of books on creativity, hanging onto them like how Rose and Jack hung onto their raft.
It got to the point where the resources I consumed extended beyond the topic of creativity, as I thought maybe there were relevant factors causing this creative block. So I listened to advice from spiritual gurus, in hopes that by upgrading my soul’s energy, I could somehow reclaim my creativity.
The weird thing is, I’ve been journaling and meditating more frequently, which normally does wonders for my inner writer.
Still, blogging each week still feels very dreadful and draining.
🌊
I have a songwriter friend. In 2022, we reunited and he confessed that he hadn’t been writing a song for 2 years. On the outside, he seemed cool and unbothered. But once the topic was brought up, I could feel the inner typhoon twirling, smashing his self-belief, vitality, and joy.
And gosh, I think the same storm is making a real big fuss in my own soul. I feel like throwing things to the wall, screaming into a pillow, snatching at random people on the street, tearing papers, pulling my hair, resenting the universe.
🪑
Then my friend Kitty posted this:
Georgia O’Keeffe, in a letter to Russel Vernon Hunter, wrote, “I have done nothing all summer but wait for myself to be myself again”.
There is something so beautiful about that one line. Something so beautiful about… waiting. I didn’t even know waiting was an option.
But my mind was triggered, and thus, protest: WAITING IS FOR THE WEAK, CHAU!!; followed by images of people whom it believed would scrutinize and ridicule me for taking a pause.
Frustrated. Helpless. My inner typhoon is growing stronger and growling louder.
Then, I saw the news. Sad, devastating news. An actual typhoon was heading towards Northern Vietnam. It was monstrous. Lots of activities in the North have been paused.
Watching the news, I came across a situation where a mom kept begging for her son (a fisherman) to leave the beach when they were alerted of the incoming storm. She begged him to stop holding onto the family’s belongings at sea. There was no use resisting the storm. But he insisted. The fisherman didn’t make it alive.
❍
Holy shit…
First, the storm made me realize how small a problem I’m facing. It humbled me. Second, it hit me with a realization:
No one would advice these typhoon victims to come out there and take some actions, be productive, resist the pain, fight the discomfort, and [insert another advice from bestselling self-help books]
All that these storm victims can do at the moment is to focus on the bare minimum to survive - food, shelter, electricity, relationship. Once that’s done, all that’s left to do is waiting. Resisting the storm brings no good, it’s already happened. Fighting the storm is of no use, it’s already too strong.
With such a turbulence, the strategy is to do the bare minimum self-care, and wait, and wait, and wait for it to pass.
🌕
I have been doing the bare minimum of self-care to help my inner writer - read, converse, journal, meditate. In other words, I’m not avoiding the existence of the storm.
But when “waiting” is the next part of the healing process, my body reacts as if it’s just arrived on Earth - confused and skittish. I’ve stigmatized “waiting” for too long to reconcile with it.
But honestly, how else can I deal with the inner typhoon that seems to swallow my spirit anytime? I can fight against it, by trying to read more, converse more, journal more, meditate more. Yet,
In the subtle realms of mind and emotion, applying force creates resistance. - Kristen Poshen
Just like how in the realm of an actual storm, applying force also brings in resistance. It’s more troublesome to fight back typhoon than to hide from it.
I think I just really have to admit that “waiting” is probably the best strategy during this emerging typhoon within. When you’re reading these words, it’s been day 2 of me waiting, and day 15 of me doing the bare minimum.
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Okay, but when will the waiting end? When will the storm pass? When will you find yourself again?
It’s easy to get impatient. My disappointing answer is: I don’t really know. Here’s what I know: If I’m too eager for it to happen, it will never come. Applying force creates resistance. Along with waiting, I need to stop applying force, especially when the force is my anticipation of the outcome.
Will there be consequences of waiting for the storm to pass?
I think I’ll have to pick up some damage. While waiting, I may fall behind and miss some opportunities. But anyhow, I need to survive first.
❤️🩹
Writers, in times of chaos, I pray that we allow ourselves to wait for us to be ourselves again.
Sincerely,
Chauu
Help donate to typhoon survivors:
This blog mentions typhoon Yagi hitting Northern Vietnam on September 7. Facing natural disasters, it’s advised to first ensure safety in your home and find a safe shelter (in the context of the blog, this means doing the bare minimum).
However, I’m fully aware that this bare minimum can be a luxury for some households, especially those in remote regions of Northern Vietnam. And the fact that they have survived in such limited conditions is a miracle.
Please donate to bring them food and shelter, to help them do the bare minimum. Fuck wealth gap.
🫂 this is so real
And touching
Sending you a lot of huggggs