Don't be a chill host
Loneliness & Togetherness - Dive Down series
With the excitement of getting a new book for summer read, I started playing my favorite game - it’s called Universe, what’s my message? (aka ƯMM in telex) in which I often open a random book, or pull a card to welcome a message from divine.
So I opened the book, my finger landed on page 71, and my eyes shocked before a heading of Chapter 3 saying:
Don’t be a chill host
That one line in The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker tossed a glitch to my belief system. I remember thinking, in frustration with a spice of humor: “Shit!”. Hosting multiple gatherings, I knew I had messed things up here and there 😨.
Having a glitch is no fun. That’s when you know it’s time to unlearn something, to let go of what you once held onto, and to be disturbingly confused, again. But there’s always a sigh of relief and gratitude because “at least now I know” 😌.
A chill host
A chill host, in words of Parker, is one who prefers “to be relaxed and low-key, better not to care, better not to make a big deal”.
A chill host may praise himself on being democratic and open-minded. But isn’t what lying underneath the desire to be a populist the fear of being disliked?
There are numerous factors that ruin deep and genuine connections:
All talking and none listening
Using phones (argh!)
Using violent words to shame others
Gossiping
Masking vulnerability with indifference or violent humors
Yet, some of us (me included) tend to overlook them as we don’t want to stir the water 🌪️ We are scared that, once we stand up to protect the shared environment, we’ll get outcasted for being stiff and uptight. We’re scared to ruin the fun.
The problem truly arises when we believe that not speaking up for what’s right is an act of generosity. It’s not. It’s important to understand the act of keeping it low-key is to easily fit it, which benefits ourselves, not the whole group. With that comes a hard pill to swallow:
the fear of being disliked and the desire of being lovable can sometimes (not always) comes from our own selfishness.
A chill host A brave host
…is the one who realizes that, unlike casual meetups, a gathering doesn’t have to be all about fun. Like a good book, a good gathering is meant to transport us. It’s meant to be meaningful and transformative. Walking out of a good gathering, we know there are parts of life that won’t be lived the same way.
And so it requires bravery for a host to:
✨ show up authentically
✨ protect the predetermined purpose and ground rules of the gathering (the most important duty)
✨ protect the participates from threats of violent, undermining, and shallow interactions
✨ put kindness before any other easier tasks
✨ challenge our and their blinding assumptions
An encouragement for bravery
I’m learning to be better host by being braver.
There were times I thought it would be better to just let one person talk for 20 minutes (the time limit was only 5). There were time I allowed the use of phones during our gatherings. There were times I sit still while listening to a friend insensitively commenting on another friend's appearance.
In times of those, I often whisper:
You won’t have all the time in this world with these people.
Knowing that each meeting is limited in time, knowing that life is impermanent and this may be the last time we see each other, I hope we are encouraged to be braver to protect our precious moments together so that all of us can fully immerse in the sweet taste of meaningful connection.